Daughters

A little 411, the titles of my posts are from song titles that relate somewhat to what I'm saying. Just saying.

Anyways, today is father's day but to me its really just another typical day. My dad wasn't really in the majority of my life, maybe just half of the first part of my life. He kind of just left after I was 11, and then just disappeared for 6 years. Now he just comes and goes. 6 years after I turned 11, he got a hold of my number and spoke to me.

I guess he was getting remarried to some random vietnamese fobby lady from Vietnam and he wanted me to attend his wedding. Like I said, he was not there between my years of 11-17. But surprisingly, I told him that I would and I went. I didn't really want to go because it was too awkward and random. It was like we were strangers and I didn't feel that "father/daughter" connection. At this point, my mom and siblings were already living their life in Cali. I didn't know if I should tell my mom because I didn't want to remind her of the past or make her sad. Yet she found out through my aunts in boston and told me she didn't care if I went, and that I'm grown and I can speak to him if I want to :/

But if it was okay, then how come to this day I still feel guilty?? Maybe its because in the back of my mind, I ALWAYS secretly wished that they would get back together. I know for sure they still love eachother, no matter how much my mom denies it. Especially when my dad asks how my mom is, or when my mom asks how my dad is. I hate being the messenger. I wish they could just talk to eachother on the phone or something and say what they wanted to say. But I guess I can understand for them because they have new people in their lives. Hopefully, this won't happen to me one day.

In the end, although he hasn't been there for me much, he'll always be my dad. So wherever you are, HAPPY FATHER'S DAY. I hope yur thinking of me & Tiffany.

Going Going Gone

Know whats really sad? When a friendship breaks apart within a matter of seconds due to one person's romantic feelings towards the other. That's one thing I hate about having guys as close friends. In the beginning, I didn't mind giving it a try because I did kinda like him but towards the middle to the end, things just didn't turn out as I have pictured it. I think I was just caught up in the moment. I should've never agreed into taking that next step with him; talking as more than friends. Because if it wasn't for that, I'm sure no feelings would get hurt.

At times I want to speak to him like before as if nothing was wrong but its just too awkward now. I feel the tension between us, the last conversation we had was very dry and it wasn't the same anymore. It's a damn shame. Another friendship down the drain. It's too late to say anything now. I wasn't straight forward enough about things and I kept holding back until he forced it out of me. That was what I was trying to avoid, TALKING ABOUT IT. I knew exactly what I wanted and that wasn't it. I wanted to go back to being just friends, just myself, just me. I felt very selfish for doing what I did but I wasn't feeling it. I guess things really do happen for a reason.

I wonder sometimes why I do this. Why I unintentionally hurt others without realizing, until they let me know at least. I didn't mean for us to end up all awkward and ish. "From strangers, to friends, to more than friends, and back to strangers again." Oh well, i guess. Whats done is done. But I admit that it would've worked if I tried. Something was holding me back and starting something new with someone else was too overwhelming. When it all comes down to it, i simply wasn't ready to jump into a new relationship. I'm sorry.

Speedin

Lately, everything has been annoying me. Especially just people in general. I just want to be left alone sometimes so i can figure things out. I'm feeling extremely flustered. Like today, i went on my FB page and just started a deleting spree. *Scroll, delete, scroll delete* And yu know what? I don't even feel bad because they've been really two faced, yet i let them sit there so they can redeem thrmselves. Apparently, that didn't work out too well.

And I hate stalkers, forreal. One friend of mine has been really creepy. He subscribed to my youtube channel (which explains that one subscriber), comments EVERYTHING i do such as statuses, uploads, links etc. He even calls really late all the time and sends a million txt msgs talking about random things. Its so freakin creepy, and i think he likes me but im not sure. So I kinda deleted him too for being such a creep. One particularly funny time, was when he was telling me he was looking at my pictures on FB and was counting how many comments i had for each one. Psychotic much? -.-

And then tday my mom just really kept nagging me all day about stupid shit. I'm 21 i think i know what i need to do, i don't need constant nagging. She really gave me a headache today. And I want to blame it on my period for why im being so bitchy and aggravated by everything but its mainly people in general. Thats why im done dealing with these little games. I just need alone time. And it feels like everyone i know is expecting this and that from me. I can't please everyone jeez, I'm only one person. If i could split myself to a million pieces and give all my friends a piece i would. Sigh.

Its been pretty hectic lately. Problems arise and i just really don't want to deal with it. And I know I'm a stubborn person and refuse to listen to minor chit chat, but thats me. Well, I'm getting hungry so i guess i'll grab a bite to eat.

im out.

I lied. The previous post where i said i was depressed, was just a sad way of saying i was feeling disappointed. Now im really depressed.

I went on FB earlier, and everyone was posting a status that said "Like this status, and i will post something on yur wall with something i like about you" and so i clicked the like button. Yet everyone who wrote on my wall, said the same exact thing, except in different form. Everyone said "i like how you're super cute" or "you're a sexy asian." Is that really all that people like about me? My looks? And then I got one comment from this girl I never even met that said "i like how we can talk to eachother about our problems and still be at the same level even though we've never met" Thats freakin sad. All these people I actually met and knew for years, have less to say than someone who hasn't even met me.

So forgive me for being bitter. From this point forward, I'm just gonna think about myself. Fuck everyone else and their problems, because yu know what? At the end of the day, im only gonna have myself. Well and a couple heads thats been with me from the start, but thats it. I'm done being the nice girl to everyone. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. Being nice gets yu nowhere except being taken advantage of.

I feel emotionally unstable. I don't want anything to do with Boston anymore except for my true few. And thats it.

I'm done with it all.

Dancing With Tears in My Eyes

I'm feeling so depressed. I haven't felt this sad in a long time. I don't want to talk to anyone. I just wanna lock myself in my room and cry. Cry until I can't cry no more. Yeah, Im a big baby but thats how I cope with things. Recently found out something about one of my close friends. She secretly fucked me over and NEVER said one word to me. At least, she could've had the courtesy to tell me what she did, or she shouldn't even had done it at all. How can she do this to me?? And all this time... Ugh, im so disgusted i don't even want to think about it.

I feel betrayed and hurt. Its been 2 days since I found out and I still can't seem to let it go. I always confided in her when I was feeling upset. Now I feel so kinda stupid. I want to act as if nothing was wrong but its a little hard at times. So what do I do?

For the past couple days, I been playing the voices in my head over and over. After work, i would come home and go straight to my room, think abt it, and cry about it. I wish I was a stronger person, that can just keep it inside. At times, I would feel much better after I let out all the tears. It's like deja vu, except it happens over and over and over everyday.

Sigh. Gonna watch a movie to get my mind off of it -.-

Ju Hua Tai

I feel a little sad today. My sister Tiffany left to Florida this morning and she's not gonna be back until a week later. Today is also Mother's Day and unfortunately my mom is out again. She brought my brothers with her to go eat pho at my uncle's house. I'm not gonna lie I'm really craving for some pho right now but I hate going over to my uncles' cuz his wife's such a bitch. She's always annoying me asking me hella questions about my life like she's a cop or something. Lets add the fact that she's also been trying very hard to convince me to come and live with her for several months now but I KNOW. She only wants me as a babysitter for her 2 kids so she can go gamble. Pfft, yeah right. So NO I WON'T LIVE WITH YOU. Goshh.

& the main point for this post is because I'm alone in my house.. LOL. My cousins, friends, and everyone else is spending time with their mom EXCEPT for me. I don't know I just feel like I barely see her anymore and we live under the same roof. How sad is that? She's always with her boyfriend and when she's not with him, she's at work. I really miss her and today I wanted to spend time with her ALONE. Just me and her, mother and daughter time.

Sometimes I think back and wonder, am I a bad daughter? Is it because I haven't actually been with her for the past 3 years that I feel the need to make up that loss time now? Well my sister and I also bought her 2 bouquets of roses but now I guess its just laying there.. on the table.. with no water.. wilting.. drying.. waiting to die.. -.- Nah, I'm just being dramatic it's in a pretty vase LOL. Maybe it's cuz I'm just being extra emo for no reason. But then again, I'm a momma's girl!! Can you blame me?

Oh well, I guess I'ma just deal with it today and go have fun with the crew tomorrow. So once again, HAPPY MOTHERS DAY to all the beautiful moms that held it down since day one, EXCLUDING hoodrats and money hungry baby momma beeetches :P

Danger Made Me

Before i go into deep blogging, i wanna get one thing straight. I have a very low tolerance for hypocrites because in my book, hypocrites are undercover liars so therefore they can't be trusted. To protect their privacy since im SOO nice, they'll remain nameless. I jz dont respect how this person feeds me all this bullshit and then turns around and does the exact opposite. What annoys me even more is this person had the nerve to tell me otherwise when they're at fault. Are you fucking serious? Well from now on im not speakng to any shady people with suspicious intentions, so if you're one of them feel free to bounce out my life.

On another note, i've been thinking soo much on my future. I already know ima be back in school soon for neo-natal nursing yet I also want a backup.. besides nails. My mom insists on forcing me to go to nail school. Sry mom, ain't gonna happen anytime soon. Sure it makes plenty of bank esp since summer's around the corner but i think i'ma pass on that. Shouldn't it be what I want? I love my mom with all my heart but I jz don't like being forced to do things. Matter of fact, my cousin Kristen & I were on the phone the other day and she told me I should be a gogo dancer at a nightclub or bar. LOL. Sounds cute but ehh, i don't think it's for me. I used to want to get into some import modeling since some of my cousins had connections around here, but now its like I don't even care for it as much as I did. I guess you can say its pretty played out now. So then she brought up bartending instead. I'm actually considering this figuring its pretty cheap to get a bartending license. And it sounds fun to work at a club anyways. So now i'm doing some research atm.

I feel a lil overwhelmed with the future but i'm thankful my life's going in a bright and positive direction. You never know what's in store for tomorrow. Well i'ma end it here because it's so HOT and im gonna refresh myself with some watermelons and possibly hittin up the beach in a few with the ladies hehe. Later gator<3

Liberian Girl

Aloha! It's been quite some time since I updated but i just been busy with work and stuff. Life's been treating me like an angel ^.^ and it feels like everything is going as it should be. I also been listening to a lot of Michael Jackson. Especially his most popular songs. To get to the point of some things a couple things have happened that I thought is worth mentioning. ONE is that I recently got 3 chug puppies, but now its narrowed down to 2 because my mom gave one away ): TWO is i got my driving certificate thingy yday. I was one question away from failing so I'm relieved I passed. THREE, finally spoke to someone that lost contact with. Shout out to yu King! <3 LOL.

But yeh, instead of talking about my life like usual i'ma jz post some random facts abt myself cuz I'm feeling a lil conceited HAHAHA. Jaykizzles. Ok no i wasn't so here goes:

1. My original name was supposed to be Michelle or Tiffany.
2. I look in the mirror everyday jz to see myself LOL.
3. I try not to hold grudges but when someone does something to me, i can't forget it.
4. The only musical I will ever watch is Sweeney Todd. (for Johnny Depp)
5. I think Robert Pattinson is ugly and Twilight is a retarded movie. I find it extremely corny.
6. I eat tabasco sauce with everything.
7. I LOVE to sing because i can.
8. I'm 21 and still have no permit or license ); but im working on it!
9. I sleep ALOT.
10. I come to realize i hate talking on the phone. There's only a few that I don't mind being on the phone with.
11. I don't take medicine. Even when im sick. Cuz I hate it and I'ma trooper ^.^
12. I get really emo on rainy or foggy days.
13. I have every popular social network site there is.
14. I have trust issues. Once I give it to you, don't lose it cuz you'll never get it back.
15. COD MW2 & my phone<3
16. My mom still treats me like im 10 -.-
17. I get heartburn every month );
18. I wonder who wud attend my funeral.
19. I read Cosmopolitan.
20. I wish i had dimples );

Okay hope yu guys enjoyed reading that LOL.

Android Porn

I decided to take a break from facebook because I feel like the more I go on it, the more it's becoming an addiction. I sound like i need therapy LOL

On another note, there's alot of things going on for me right now:

-My 21st birthday is coming up in 20 days!! I'm still planning that with my cousins. We're taking a roadtrip down to LA and partying down there. & I guess my sister wants to have a party for me too since she isn't coming down to LA with us. How swt (:

-I'm working on getting my license which isn't really a big deal. But it is for me because I always wanted to drive, just that no one's took the time to teach me without the subject of MONEY being involved. Cheap asses..

Also, working towards a nail (maybe) & medical license. Yeh, I'm doing both. Hopefully, one day I can finally work in a hospital as a neonatal nurse.

-Ashley is coming to visit me for 3wks. She could be moving to California also, due to some private issues. Anyways, we're both single. That was a random comment but it's so funny that we were both with our exboyfriends around the same time and ended around the same time. I don't know bout yall but i have a feeling that this summer's gonna be off the top (;

But yeahs, I feel really good. Like I said before 2010 is the year to get your shit together. If you're not doing things to make your life/future better, you might as well.. GO DIE. Seriously... If I was still on my butt back in Boston, trust me my life would be going NOWHERE. I'm not saying Boston is bad, I'm jz saying it was hard because I wasn't as motivated to do things.

Okay, well im outta things to say so ima end it here. Pce!

Alive

"Everytime the moon shines I become alive." I been quite a vampire these past couple days. I think it's because of the daily coffee I been drinking. & it's weird because I drink it at around 5pm. That explains why my bedtime is always at 3 to 4am -.-

So lately, I been listening to a lot of different music nd through each song I found myself analyzing the lyrics. Idk why I do that but when I listen to a good song, I wud hope it also has good lyrics. After all, whts a good song if it doesn't have good lyrics to go with it, right?

A quote I came across made me ponder alot. "If you stopped caring that quickly, then you never cared to begin with." I believe there is a lot of truth in this. Nowadays, I really hate to talk abt relationships and anything along those lines. But this quote made me stop nd think. Why is it that most relationships I see tend to be more of a one way st? Whtever happened to EQUALLY putting in the work nd effort? I guess that's the main reason why so many relationships fail. One person just suddenly stops caring, while the other tries TWICE as hard to make it work. Bringing me to the final quote "The quickest way to lose something is to want it too much" True yehh? Because if you want something so badly, you'd do anything to get it, evn if it means hurting yurself nd others. Funny how things work lol.

Okay well I guess I'ma wrap things up here. This move did me a great deal of GOOD. No more distractions. I got both hands on the steering wheel nd I'm ready to go (:

The Best of Me

After a lot of thought and talks with my girls, i realized that I was letting my ex control my happiness. At times i would be in the shower reminiscing abt how things should've been, would've been, or could've been. & time and time again i would keep reminding myself, we are NOT in the same state, nor are we together anymore. Why let someone have that power to tell me how im spose to feel. So im gonna be strong and let the fuck go. I'm not gonna waste my time thinking abt the past anymore. I came to cali for a reason, and tht was to fall back on family and form my future, not mope over a past love. Its not gonna be easy, but no more tears are gonna fall, i guarantee it. So heres to a better me. Im not that weak girl you used to know.

Gnite.

California Love

Hey kids! So i been in cali for the past 3 wks or so, and i been feeling pretty happy w the way things are going. This is gonna be a venting entry about PUBLICITY & my 21st bday thats around the corner. Woot Woot!

Well to start off, i`d like to say i had to learn my lesson the hard way tht sometimes, some things are better left unsaid. You shouldn`t broadcast your life or who you`re seeing bc TRUST nd BELIEVE, there are some pretty fucked up people out there that will try to get in your shit and try to fuck it up. So with that, from now on when I talk abt a guy I might pursue (lol pursue, i never used that word before)

As for my 21st birthday, its coming up soon. I'm feeling anxious and excited at the same time because I want everything to go as planned. For now, i have 2 ideas: ONE, is to fly back to Boston to party with my girls. Up until I realized that most of them were under 21 -.- and TWO, is to drive down for 7 hrs to LA and party in Hollywood with my cousins. I still didn't even look at prices for the tickets to Boston so right now I'm not so sure. Oh well, it's still pretty early so we'll see what happens.

Insanity

Woke up in the morning feeling like P Diddy.. LOL jk. More like woke up with a fuckingg hangover, ughh. I feel a little shitty but I wanted to update a little before I forget everything it is I wanted to say.

Within the last week, I found myself sitting back at Eric's house. Funny how we're not together anymore yet it feels like we still are. Maybe it's because when we was together, I was living with him and we had no space. It was constant suffocation. And now it's like damn, I can't have you to myself anymore so let me take advantage of the time I have with you.

Speaking of which, I think it was that Sunday where I came over to see the little one. She's getting so much bigger by the day that it's crazy. And I think we returned her to her grandma on tuesday morning, and that's where he got sick. He puked everything he ate the whole next day. And I was starting to get really worried. That ain't normal, especially when you didn't have anything in your stomach. So when it hit 1am, I called the ambulance and took him to the ER. I never assisted anyone to the hospital before, and it was a lil ironic that it was my ex-boyfriend. The nurses at that hospital.. are piece of shits. Someone is fuckingg sick and all they wanted to talk about was what type of insurance he had. Seriously, where's the sympathy?? But yeh, we was there for 5 hours and they had to take his blood TWICE (4 tubes total) and gave him an IV (2 liters). Shit was crazy..

We had a talk about me moving to Cali and coming back to visit. And it got me a lil sad when he told me he needed a nurse since he plans on some surgery in the upcoming month, and by that time I'll be gone.. But he asked me a couple questions, that made me realize that I still wanted him in my life, him and the baby. "Do you think we'll still be friends when you leave?" and I answered YES.

I don't know it was just a sad moment :/

I Get Up

Hey everyone! Finally 2010 is here. New year, new start, new resolutions, new EVERYTHING. For me, this year is pretty important because it will determine how my life will turn out miles down the road. So I just wanted to vent about a couple things.

One, yes I jz got out of a very long and hard relationship. I know that in the previous entry, I might've said some negative things about him, but it was obviously because I was upset. We're still friends, and even through everything that's happened, I'd prefer that we stay friends than have no relation at all. Maybe it's just me. But I don't really like to kick people out of my life for good. They did come into my life for a reason, right?

Two, I have been spending alot of time with my closest friends and people I haven't seen for quite some time. It feels pretty good to be back in action actually. I guess I'll admit that I put my ex-boyfriend before my friends in a way, and that was probably the reason I felt this sort of "emptiness." But everyone makes mistakes, we live and we learn. And it makes me end every night with a smile, because my girls still love me regardless of what's happened, and I appreciate it and am so thankful to have them in my life. A lot of people change friends every year, but not me. I had the same girls for 5 years, and then meet new faces.

Three, I've been a little bi-polar the last couple days. One day I'll be excited and the next I find myself laying down reminiscing about my life, and feeling a little sadness.. I think it's because I'm glad to have a new start and start over everything in a whole different environment, seeing my family, and just basically getting all my shit together. But at the same time, I am a little sad that I'm leaving behind my friends. My whole life, I been raised here and living in Boston. So I know I will definitely be coming back every couple months or so to visit.

Four, I been stuck in a dilemma for the last whole week. And it's funny bc I haven't even done anything and yet I'm the one to blame.. -.- Shit happens for a reason though right?

Sigh, but yehs I guess that sums up everything I had to say. Well most of it I guess, I'm in a loss for words right now. But I hope everyone had a great New Years!