Daughters

A little 411, the titles of my posts are from song titles that relate somewhat to what I'm saying. Just saying.

Anyways, today is father's day but to me its really just another typical day. My dad wasn't really in the majority of my life, maybe just half of the first part of my life. He kind of just left after I was 11, and then just disappeared for 6 years. Now he just comes and goes. 6 years after I turned 11, he got a hold of my number and spoke to me.

I guess he was getting remarried to some random vietnamese fobby lady from Vietnam and he wanted me to attend his wedding. Like I said, he was not there between my years of 11-17. But surprisingly, I told him that I would and I went. I didn't really want to go because it was too awkward and random. It was like we were strangers and I didn't feel that "father/daughter" connection. At this point, my mom and siblings were already living their life in Cali. I didn't know if I should tell my mom because I didn't want to remind her of the past or make her sad. Yet she found out through my aunts in boston and told me she didn't care if I went, and that I'm grown and I can speak to him if I want to :/

But if it was okay, then how come to this day I still feel guilty?? Maybe its because in the back of my mind, I ALWAYS secretly wished that they would get back together. I know for sure they still love eachother, no matter how much my mom denies it. Especially when my dad asks how my mom is, or when my mom asks how my dad is. I hate being the messenger. I wish they could just talk to eachother on the phone or something and say what they wanted to say. But I guess I can understand for them because they have new people in their lives. Hopefully, this won't happen to me one day.

In the end, although he hasn't been there for me much, he'll always be my dad. So wherever you are, HAPPY FATHER'S DAY. I hope yur thinking of me & Tiffany.

Going Going Gone

Know whats really sad? When a friendship breaks apart within a matter of seconds due to one person's romantic feelings towards the other. That's one thing I hate about having guys as close friends. In the beginning, I didn't mind giving it a try because I did kinda like him but towards the middle to the end, things just didn't turn out as I have pictured it. I think I was just caught up in the moment. I should've never agreed into taking that next step with him; talking as more than friends. Because if it wasn't for that, I'm sure no feelings would get hurt.

At times I want to speak to him like before as if nothing was wrong but its just too awkward now. I feel the tension between us, the last conversation we had was very dry and it wasn't the same anymore. It's a damn shame. Another friendship down the drain. It's too late to say anything now. I wasn't straight forward enough about things and I kept holding back until he forced it out of me. That was what I was trying to avoid, TALKING ABOUT IT. I knew exactly what I wanted and that wasn't it. I wanted to go back to being just friends, just myself, just me. I felt very selfish for doing what I did but I wasn't feeling it. I guess things really do happen for a reason.

I wonder sometimes why I do this. Why I unintentionally hurt others without realizing, until they let me know at least. I didn't mean for us to end up all awkward and ish. "From strangers, to friends, to more than friends, and back to strangers again." Oh well, i guess. Whats done is done. But I admit that it would've worked if I tried. Something was holding me back and starting something new with someone else was too overwhelming. When it all comes down to it, i simply wasn't ready to jump into a new relationship. I'm sorry.

Speedin

Lately, everything has been annoying me. Especially just people in general. I just want to be left alone sometimes so i can figure things out. I'm feeling extremely flustered. Like today, i went on my FB page and just started a deleting spree. *Scroll, delete, scroll delete* And yu know what? I don't even feel bad because they've been really two faced, yet i let them sit there so they can redeem thrmselves. Apparently, that didn't work out too well.

And I hate stalkers, forreal. One friend of mine has been really creepy. He subscribed to my youtube channel (which explains that one subscriber), comments EVERYTHING i do such as statuses, uploads, links etc. He even calls really late all the time and sends a million txt msgs talking about random things. Its so freakin creepy, and i think he likes me but im not sure. So I kinda deleted him too for being such a creep. One particularly funny time, was when he was telling me he was looking at my pictures on FB and was counting how many comments i had for each one. Psychotic much? -.-

And then tday my mom just really kept nagging me all day about stupid shit. I'm 21 i think i know what i need to do, i don't need constant nagging. She really gave me a headache today. And I want to blame it on my period for why im being so bitchy and aggravated by everything but its mainly people in general. Thats why im done dealing with these little games. I just need alone time. And it feels like everyone i know is expecting this and that from me. I can't please everyone jeez, I'm only one person. If i could split myself to a million pieces and give all my friends a piece i would. Sigh.

Its been pretty hectic lately. Problems arise and i just really don't want to deal with it. And I know I'm a stubborn person and refuse to listen to minor chit chat, but thats me. Well, I'm getting hungry so i guess i'll grab a bite to eat.

im out.

I lied. The previous post where i said i was depressed, was just a sad way of saying i was feeling disappointed. Now im really depressed.

I went on FB earlier, and everyone was posting a status that said "Like this status, and i will post something on yur wall with something i like about you" and so i clicked the like button. Yet everyone who wrote on my wall, said the same exact thing, except in different form. Everyone said "i like how you're super cute" or "you're a sexy asian." Is that really all that people like about me? My looks? And then I got one comment from this girl I never even met that said "i like how we can talk to eachother about our problems and still be at the same level even though we've never met" Thats freakin sad. All these people I actually met and knew for years, have less to say than someone who hasn't even met me.

So forgive me for being bitter. From this point forward, I'm just gonna think about myself. Fuck everyone else and their problems, because yu know what? At the end of the day, im only gonna have myself. Well and a couple heads thats been with me from the start, but thats it. I'm done being the nice girl to everyone. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. Being nice gets yu nowhere except being taken advantage of.

I feel emotionally unstable. I don't want anything to do with Boston anymore except for my true few. And thats it.

I'm done with it all.

Dancing With Tears in My Eyes

I'm feeling so depressed. I haven't felt this sad in a long time. I don't want to talk to anyone. I just wanna lock myself in my room and cry. Cry until I can't cry no more. Yeah, Im a big baby but thats how I cope with things. Recently found out something about one of my close friends. She secretly fucked me over and NEVER said one word to me. At least, she could've had the courtesy to tell me what she did, or she shouldn't even had done it at all. How can she do this to me?? And all this time... Ugh, im so disgusted i don't even want to think about it.

I feel betrayed and hurt. Its been 2 days since I found out and I still can't seem to let it go. I always confided in her when I was feeling upset. Now I feel so kinda stupid. I want to act as if nothing was wrong but its a little hard at times. So what do I do?

For the past couple days, I been playing the voices in my head over and over. After work, i would come home and go straight to my room, think abt it, and cry about it. I wish I was a stronger person, that can just keep it inside. At times, I would feel much better after I let out all the tears. It's like deja vu, except it happens over and over and over everyday.

Sigh. Gonna watch a movie to get my mind off of it -.-

Ju Hua Tai

I feel a little sad today. My sister Tiffany left to Florida this morning and she's not gonna be back until a week later. Today is also Mother's Day and unfortunately my mom is out again. She brought my brothers with her to go eat pho at my uncle's house. I'm not gonna lie I'm really craving for some pho right now but I hate going over to my uncles' cuz his wife's such a bitch. She's always annoying me asking me hella questions about my life like she's a cop or something. Lets add the fact that she's also been trying very hard to convince me to come and live with her for several months now but I KNOW. She only wants me as a babysitter for her 2 kids so she can go gamble. Pfft, yeah right. So NO I WON'T LIVE WITH YOU. Goshh.

& the main point for this post is because I'm alone in my house.. LOL. My cousins, friends, and everyone else is spending time with their mom EXCEPT for me. I don't know I just feel like I barely see her anymore and we live under the same roof. How sad is that? She's always with her boyfriend and when she's not with him, she's at work. I really miss her and today I wanted to spend time with her ALONE. Just me and her, mother and daughter time.

Sometimes I think back and wonder, am I a bad daughter? Is it because I haven't actually been with her for the past 3 years that I feel the need to make up that loss time now? Well my sister and I also bought her 2 bouquets of roses but now I guess its just laying there.. on the table.. with no water.. wilting.. drying.. waiting to die.. -.- Nah, I'm just being dramatic it's in a pretty vase LOL. Maybe it's cuz I'm just being extra emo for no reason. But then again, I'm a momma's girl!! Can you blame me?

Oh well, I guess I'ma just deal with it today and go have fun with the crew tomorrow. So once again, HAPPY MOTHERS DAY to all the beautiful moms that held it down since day one, EXCLUDING hoodrats and money hungry baby momma beeetches :P

Danger Made Me

Before i go into deep blogging, i wanna get one thing straight. I have a very low tolerance for hypocrites because in my book, hypocrites are undercover liars so therefore they can't be trusted. To protect their privacy since im SOO nice, they'll remain nameless. I jz dont respect how this person feeds me all this bullshit and then turns around and does the exact opposite. What annoys me even more is this person had the nerve to tell me otherwise when they're at fault. Are you fucking serious? Well from now on im not speakng to any shady people with suspicious intentions, so if you're one of them feel free to bounce out my life.

On another note, i've been thinking soo much on my future. I already know ima be back in school soon for neo-natal nursing yet I also want a backup.. besides nails. My mom insists on forcing me to go to nail school. Sry mom, ain't gonna happen anytime soon. Sure it makes plenty of bank esp since summer's around the corner but i think i'ma pass on that. Shouldn't it be what I want? I love my mom with all my heart but I jz don't like being forced to do things. Matter of fact, my cousin Kristen & I were on the phone the other day and she told me I should be a gogo dancer at a nightclub or bar. LOL. Sounds cute but ehh, i don't think it's for me. I used to want to get into some import modeling since some of my cousins had connections around here, but now its like I don't even care for it as much as I did. I guess you can say its pretty played out now. So then she brought up bartending instead. I'm actually considering this figuring its pretty cheap to get a bartending license. And it sounds fun to work at a club anyways. So now i'm doing some research atm.

I feel a lil overwhelmed with the future but i'm thankful my life's going in a bright and positive direction. You never know what's in store for tomorrow. Well i'ma end it here because it's so HOT and im gonna refresh myself with some watermelons and possibly hittin up the beach in a few with the ladies hehe. Later gator<3